Archive for September, 2013

The Sickness…

Posted: September 13, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I’ve been miserably sick for the past week. In that amount of time I have probably gone through an entire factory worth of Kleenex and probably a months worth of Vick’s. I’ve also learned a few important things about being sick with kids.

1) Never assume that your children will have sympathy for you longer for two seconds.- Seriously, it’s like a NatGeo special. It’s survival of the fittest, you are now the weakest link in the herd. Unless somebody gets hungry. Then they’re your best friends again.

2) Your husband/spouse/boyfriend/significant other will ALWAYS be sicker than you are. It’s a law of nature, like gravity. You have a cough, he has full on bronchitis. You have a sore throat, he can’t live any longer. You have a head cold, he lays in bed moaning like he’s two seconds from death while you are barely upright trying to make it through one more hour until nap time.

3) Alcohol makes it worse- But I’ll be damned if a Robotussin martini won’t do the trick. Just be sure the sharp things are secured and nothing flammable is within reach of the kids. (I’m KIDDING, obviously. I put my kids in their cages before I indulge)

4) It’s hard to yell at a room full of squabbling preschoolers when you are losing your voice, BUT when you’re this pale and leaking fluid from every orifice on your face AND said children happen to be terrified of zombies…well, throw in a leg drag and your already perfect moan of death and voila!

5) Hallucinating CAN be fun. When your fever spikes at 104 all the while Conan comes dancing out of the TV and everything tastes purple just think of this time as a vacation. Between the boredom of being sick and the inability to sleep because you can only breathe through your mouth you take what you can get.

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Paging Dr. Google

Posted: September 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

When you are dealing with the mysterious illness of one or more of your own spawn no matter how many times you have been there done that there will always be a little part of you that panics. Like soul crushing guilt, irrational panic goes hand in hand with motherhood. In light of that fact no matter how tempting it might be to ask Dr. Google, don’t do it. A quick internet search on ‘common cold symptoms’ or ‘childhood rashes’ it will undoubtedly lead to frantic searches on ‘childhood cancer’ or ‘lupus’ or  ‘how many hours does my child have left to live?!?!’ an hour later.  At the very least if you are that worried about your kid and don’t want to go rushing to the er like a madwoman or call your doctor at 2 am at least call your mom or a mom friend so they can talk you down. You’ll thank yourself later.

I Don’t Mean To Be Picky But…

Posted: September 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

..Can you please not use my shirt as your own personal Kleenex?

K, thanks.

An Inconvenient Proposal

Posted: September 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

(Overheard whilst washing dishes)

 

M&M: When I grow up, I’m going to marry the Prince Bubba, because he’s a frog.

L: But I want to marry him first.

Lil Man: I’m not a frog.

M&M: Well, I’m going to marry Prince Bubba the frog. Not you.

Lil Man: I’m not a frog.

L: But I want to marry Prince Bubba Frog first!

Lil Man: I’m not a frog.

M&M: No, you can’t marry him because I am first and he is a frog that will be a prince.

L: No, I will marry him first! He can be my frog and THEN your frog.

Lil Man: I’m not a frog!

M&M: No, He’s my frog.

L: No mine!

M&M: No, my frog.

L: Nu-uhhh he is my frog.

M&M: No, he is going to marry me and be my frog.

(continues for another 5 minutes…during a very brief pause in the argument I hear…)

Lil Man: (sigh…in a quiet voice) I’m not a frog.

 
I feel for that boy, I really do. Stuck in the middle of three sisters can’t be easy.

At least he’s popular today.

 

today was a long day and i was feeling super uninspired but I happened to read this and I just had to reblog it! Absolutely poignant with a whole lot of spitfire I’ve come to love from one of my favorite blogs, Views From The Couch

Views from the Couch

THIS BLOG POST was shared by a few people on my Facebook and I felt compelled to respond.

Dear Teenage Slores Girls,

Another Facebook Friday just came and went, in which we, as a family, gather round and stalk teenage girls’ profiles to weed out the harlots bent on tainting the thoughts and hearts of our special snowflake sons. Wow! Your selfie in the PJs, or maybe it was yoga pants and a tank, was shocking. Then one of my special snowflakes pointed out that you were in your bedroom and I lost it. POSTING PICTURES TAKEN IN YOUR BEDROOM?!?! Why don’t you just post a list of your rates in the pic description?! My husband and sons examined the picture pretty thoroughly and, SURVEY SAYS: You aren’t wearing a bra. It’s hard to tell just from looking but if you take the picture, upload it to picmonkey and blow…

View original post 1,205 more words

For this:

 

0903031416

 

He will come home with this:

 

0903031421

 

Science.

First Rule Of Mom Club..

Posted: September 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

Motherhood comes with its own set of rules, like ‘never shake a baby’ or ‘don’t put the baby in the dryer’ or ‘sleep is futile’. But the FIRST rule of Mom Club is: you never judge another mother. Unless she’s wrong. Then you ridicule the HELL out of her behind her back and/or in an online public forum, because how dare she raise her children like that?!?! You’re obviously so much more informed than she. It so clearly states in the Handbook of Being an Awesome Mom that everything that particular mother does is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Never mind that being a mother is a overwhelming task  horrifying and fulfilling 24/7 job placed upon thrown at us like a flaming ball of shit and NONE of us knows what the hell we are doing. Forget the fact that we all live with this huge boiling pit of endless guilt.love.hate that should bring us together in an eternal bond of sisterhood. Formula feed your baby? How dare you. Breastfeeding? You harlot. Let your toddler watch a half hour of a pointless television show so you can finally sit and have that cup of coffee you poured for yourself two hours ago? What kind of mother are you?

We can’t all be perfect, but heaven forbid you try to hold an open, honest discussion with another mom on how hard it is to be a mother. Sometimes I forget how judgemental other moms can be over even the simple things. I have made the mistake on more than one occasion of sharing an experience only to get the ‘look’ from whoever I’m talking to. You know it we’ve all gotten it from someone. The raised eyebrow usually  followed by a smug shift of body language. The “Oh, you poor, dumb thing” look. I get it, you’re smarter than I am. You have one perfect child that never throws his dinner at the dog or shreds an entire folder of important papers or delights the world with a poop mural he painted on his bedroom wall just for you. I have four kids, all under 6. I don’t get the luxury of color coding their toys by educational value. I consider my day a success if I didn’t lose one of them in a pile of laundry or forget to dress them. I’m just trying to get by how I know best all the while giving them all of the loving patience I can muster. That’s all ANY of us can do. So the next time you are talking to another mom in the park, online, or in the doctors office try to remember to have a little compassion.

My new first rule of Mom Club is this: Don’t be a dick.